Love isn’t complicated, it’s a choice

Mar 26, 2016

How to find simplicity in your relationship by choice

Building a strong relationship is not always easy. Some people think that you just need to find the right person and everything will be okay, but that is not the whole truth.

 “Love is an ability”

In the movie “Dan in real life”, there is this scene where a young man (Marty) takes a bus from far away to visit with his girlfriend who is on holiday with her whole family at the lake. They arrange this in secret and when her dad (Dan) finds out, he is furious and sends Marty back home. In Dan’s mind these young people cannot possibly understand love. Dan has faced some hard knocks in his own life and has come to see love as very complex. As they walk to the car Dan says to Marty: “Love is a dangerous feeling”. Marty replies: “No sir, love is not a feeling, it is an ability.”

There is something about the simplicity in the love that Marty describes that leads me to ask the question: “Do we not make love too complicated sometimes?” For Marty love was very simple. He saw love as his ability to connect with someoneLove is a choice. He did not reason about the emotions. He simply made up his mind and followed through. I do think that love involves both feeling and ability, but I also think that Marty’s statement was grounded in something much deeper. A choice. Love is not only an ability or feeling, but the foundation of love is a choice.

The most powerful choice

One of the most powerful choices you can make is the choice to love someone and commit to making that choice every day through marriage. If I understand that love is a choice, I also understand that I need to take action to communicate love. I do not wait for you to communicate your love towards me. I do not wait until I “feel” like I want to show my love to you. I make a choice, and then I do it. If I do not like what you are doing, I do not have to withdraw my love. On the contrary, this is exactly the moment when I need to communicate my love loud and clear. If I am able to create an environment of love for this person in my life, I empower them to become the best possible version of them self.

Making the choice is the first step. Learning how to communicate my love to my partner in a way that they understand is a skill, or the ability, that I will need to develop in order to support my decision to love.

One tool that I have found to be very helpful in learning how to communicate my love towards my partner is “The five love languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. In this 14 minute video I briefly go about explaining the model and how you can put it into action to build a strong relationship.

To discover your primary love language, head over to the love languages website and take the test.

Or if you desire to buy the book it is available here

Question: Have you made the powerful choice to love yet? If you have, but struggle to communicate your love to your partner clearly I want to know about it. Comment in the section below and I’ll respond to every comment.